Callous:
1. (of a part of the body) having an area of hardened skin. "a callused palm"
What does it mean when someone is calloused?
1a : being hardened and thickened. b : having calluses callous hands. 2a : feeling no emotion. b : feeling or showing no sympathy for others : hard-hearted a callous indifference to suffering.
The older I get or you could say, the longer I live, the more Iife I experience. And within that experience there's been a numerous amount of trials and tribulations. Start overs and retries. Successes as well as failures. Good times and bad. Break ups, deaths, heartaches, moves, disappointments, distance... and anything else that doesn't favor having a good time.
When theses incidents start to pile up and happen more frequently I think to myself, what will it make me in the end? Will I become bitter as some of my counterparts? Will I become overly fake and wear a mask to hide all of my emotions? How do people deal with life and all that it brings?
2020, November 11th I had my first surgery ever in life over something that I could not control. I remember after I scheduled the surgery I kept having this punching bag of a self talk session where I blamed myself for even having the fibroids. Which makes no sense whatsoever. For the first time in my life I had to understand that things just happen that are truly out of your control. It's not what happens to you but how you handle it. That saying we hear all the time become very real for the latter part of the year as I went through the surgery and recovery process.
2020 - 2021 You met people. You open up and extend yourself again on the dating scene and you learn that you must accept people for who they are in the present. Not who you imagined them to be. Who you hope they will be based on their hopes and dreams or potential you believe they have. You also must learn to truly love yourself. For the utmost level of care you put on yourself dictates the boundaries that are laid out for someone else. The more you love yourself the less you'll have to explain because people will see, it will become very apparent where you stand... and where they stand. Even if they're allowed to be close to you.
When you open up your heart to love and it doesn't work out it doesn't mean it was your fault. Just like a job you may have just started or been apart of, a new hobby you're into, you have the right to survey and evaluate if you should continue the current endeavors. Putting aside your imaginations and working with what you've got personal and professional is accepting the absolute truth of the present moment. Based on history and patterns you can deduce if you want to continue down a certain path but you must be honest and base it on the facts.
Facts are not your truth (as one thing) and mine (as another) as if whats true for me may not be true for you. I believe absolute truths are true in all circumstances regardless of the factors.
When life happens does that give me a pass to be "shitty"? No!
When life happens I'm learning we must use it as a stepping stone to showcase our resilience, patience and compassion toward ourselves and each other.
I can't tell you how many times I've started something... gotten good footing and have been pushed back behind the starting line only to try again with more vigor than ever. What I love about people is how our personalities, our idiosyncrasies tell a story about who we are. Something awesome changed in me when I went to Texas for the 2nd time. When I had the opportunity to interview 13 people. I can't explain what it is but what I can tell you is, life is about living. That's simply it. It's not about taking what happened to you and speaking death into it. Then you might as well... not be here.
With energy being transfered and never destroyed I aim to put my efforts into promoting life.
I'm focusing on the Fruits of the Spirit in Galatians 5: 22-23
Love
Joy
Peace
Patience
Kindness
Goodness
Faithfullness
Gentleness
Self-Control
When you have a wound and it heals completely, that area of skin is thicker/tougher than it once was.
I believe my heart is being calloused, meaning the scars of the past are where my heart is the toughest. Truly being healed from those traumas gives me freedom to discover and explore life:
guilt free
fearless
open-minded
I'm not fully healed from everything but I can rest and be confident in the fact that the longer I live the more whole I will become. I know a similar pain may be up ahead but wisdom tells me I've been here before and experience guides me on the best route to take.
Life isn't about avoiding hurt or pain. No. It's about embracing every moment as a result of the human experience.
Tomorrow I put my beloved "baby" Coco to sleep January 20th, 2022 11a. I called this morning and scheduled it. It's time. One thing I learned during my recovery period from my surgery is knowing when it's time. One thing I learned from my breakup is to not prolong what you know you should do. One thing I learned about living is there will always be an opportunity. As long as you keep breathing you will love again.
I'm going to miss you Coco. I have sat numerous nights curled up with you in a pretzel trying to make you comfortable so you can simply breath and go to sleep/rest. I've stared into your eyes seeing the depths of your spirit. You will live on because you don't want to die and don't want to live me but I've got to let you go to sleep now. 12 years ago when you were two months old, I made the best decision to pick you from your sisters. The 3 of you were in the kennel and I chose you and you chose me. You trusted me and continue to trust me even now. Communicating with every look, grunt, bark for a simple... I want to pee... poop... or help me get situated. The love between a human and their pet is like none other.
My last act of devotion to you is to let you sleep. You will never be forgotten. You have taught me so much. Thank you #Coco.
Love Tiff!