Olivia: Is it physical or mental that is the most you're struggling with?
Tiffany: I am struggling more with the mental.
The physical is accepting the challenges that come with pregnancy. Seeing my body in a different light that I've never seen it in before. I don't have a significant other encouraging me along the way with positive body image feedback. I tend to look at my old photos and sigh. Trying to understand where my frustration is coming from. I don't have all of my abilities. As I get closer to the 3rd trimester I have random moments where I'm out of breath and I just need to stop what I'm doing to catch it. I have fears I may never return back to my pre-pregnancy size. I guess the physical is all my head really.
My body is actually holding up pretty well based on my active past. My arms and legs still maintain
As far as mental... its been a rollercoaster.
I don't know how honest I should be but if it helps someone reading this know that they're not alone then ok. I know I have all the innate abilities. It's like asking someone can you drive a car? or change a diaper yes.
My mind first wanders at least once a week to how I got here and if things will ever rekindle?
Every time Soñai moves I wondering what is she thinking, doing at this very moment? How is it living inside of me? What's it like to be in my world? Is my world enough? Will she recognize that it's me when she comes out. Will she look like me and will I recognize that? How will she sound at that first cry? Will it be loud or soft? Will we have the same eyes, hands, feet, toes? Will I see her father in her features and still be ok? A constant reminder of the time we spent together. What will her birth weight be?
I can't see life beyond the delivery date that is given because that's the last known date that I will just be Tiffany. Ive been Tiffany the daughter, the granddaughter, the niece, the sister, the aunt, and the friend. Tiffany the mother????????????? is something so foreign and such a dramatic change it doesn't compute. I can't even try to imagine because it's a being that's been created and it's happening to and inside of me.
3.3.2023 | 27.3 weeks
I just got home from doubledutch class and I feel amazing. Working out really does a body good no matter the state you're in. So I suggest you get up and get moving (within reason to what you can physically handle). The weather is warming up and things are looking great. The final countdown is here. 27 weeks and 3 days... 3rd trimester and basically 10 weeks left. I'm sure it will go by very fast!! I'm on iron pills to maintain my energy and red blood cell count. It's definitely helped and I'm grateful. I'm working on being strategic about what's on my calendar and I find I'm running out of room to get things done. ekk. Sometimes I over book myself and I have to reschedule a few things. I'm cool with it though because as longs as there's another day I still have time.
It's funny - these are about to be random thoughts - as I'm writing this I'm sitting in a chair with my laptop on my lap.... and I see chest... stomach... laptop. LOL. What's funny is I've never paid so much attention to my belly up until these last few months. I never really noticed how my entire stomach is covered in hair, they're just so light you don't really see them. But now it's like they poke out a lot and I've spotted 2 long strings of white hair. I looked it up... it's a hormonal thing. Pretty cool.
In this moment... when all is still, calm... I just feel relaxed and for that I'm grateful.
3.12.2023 | 28.4 weeks
God has given me and extreme portion of patience that's all it boils down to. It's not oh if she was more hood she would do this... or you're better than me... or you're too nice. Often times it's best to stay in character. Every single time I've done something out of intense emotion it never really had the best result. I've been practicing lately and not just during the pregnancy but all of 2022 I've been working on the Fruits of the Spirit.
If you know my story you know I've been through a lot in the last 7 months. The best part is I'm still here and I love how I've taken time to dig deep, be mindful and evaluate from within what's going on with me and how I relate to the world.
In life you have ebs and flows. Just like the weather the sun shines and then the clouds come. Sometimes it rains, sometimes it snows. Through it all we're mostly equipped to deal with each weather pattern or season in life. I look at having this child in a similar way. To me it will all boil down to time management and I've been yearning to have something get me organized and on track. I think this is going to be it. Having a set schedule because I have someone else relying on me.
I remember the last week I had my dog, before we put her to sleep, and how I was up with her around the clock just to make sure she could rest comfortably. I enjoyed being there for her and I really felt her trust, that I was doing the best I could. I predict working with another human being from birth until will be similar. Our first challenge will be breast feeding which I think will be pretty cool.
I'm different because I view life from a different perspective than most. I focus on what I get to do. What I get to discover today about life. If she cries I get to figure out how to console. We will learn each other and that right there is a blessing.
I'm grateful for the good and the bad because of
James 1:3-4
For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.
This is how I look at life. One day one step at a time. The father and I are better and that makes me happy to know the two will meet. It's my journey and my life that I have to live, learn and figure out. Everyone can try to shield you as best as they can because they care. But just like God doesn't infringe upon our free will, so shouldn't we try to manipulate anyone else to get what we want to think what's best. That goes for me too.
Update:
Soñai Skye Vie has been born April 15, 2023!!!